Disappointed! This was the first emotion I felt today morning. I woke up feeling things which felt a lot like guilt, I was even slightly berating myself. Eventually pushing it all aside, I got ready to hit work. Pushing myself, I dressed up to make myself feel better. I looked in the mirror and complimented myself with half a heart too. But something still felt amiss.
Why was I disappointed with myself? What did I want that I didn’t get or have was left to do that I didn’t do? I mentally ticked things off my list from my previous day. I had a hard working morning, completed deadlines and spent the evening the way I wanted to. I spent a little too much, but then no regrets because it was a beautiful memory of time well spent. Then why? Why was I so unhappy with myself? Is it because I had certain expectations from myself and I failed to keep up to them? Maybe. But then were they my expectations or of the ones around me? Anyone who knows me even a little bit, knows I am hardly the judgemental kinds. Then why on a morning following a good day was I being judgemental of myself?
That’s too many questions that were running through my mind as I sat calmly de-cluttering my brains the way you would untangle the wires of a headphone. And eventually, I found answers, many of which I did not like. Where I was fighting to be perfectly imperfect with the world, somewhere in the recesses of my mind I was striving to be perfect. To impress the people around me, to have people appreciate me, for my parents to feel as proud of me as other parents do and for men to appreciate me as a woman and not be ‘bro-zoned’. Me, who was preaching to others of living the way they want, I was being a hypocrite to myself. I was doing to myself exactly what I advice my friends not to do with themselves.
This came from a place in me where it is important to not hurt the people around me. Where society is just a term of the ‘others’, the judgement of ‘my own’ matters. Of course it does. And everyday I try hard to manage the expectations of ‘my own’ and ‘mine’, There are days I do just okay but then there are also days that I live the way I want and drown in the misery, knowing I disappointed someone. The truth is I didn’t.
I did not disappoint anyone because me being a slightly pathological liar (we established I have issues) did not let ‘my own’ know how I passed the few hours. My parents don’t know I bunked work and sat and stared at the sea near Carter Road, my friends didn’t know that I said work and stared into the oblivion of some books at some bookshop. Why? Because I did not want to disappoint them. Me who’s ‘always there’ and ‘zen’ for someone else was scared of making a crack in the image. And there in lies my biggest flaw.
I know I am happily perfectly imperfect and accept it. But I come from a place where we accept things but maybe don’t embrace it. We feed ourselves the food of ‘zen’ but are destabilised at the very thought of hurting the ‘my own’. We earn money but when we splurge a little or indulge slightly, we drown in the ‘guilt’ of it. And it comes down to striving to be perfect. Socially perfect, acceptable to all.
This a letter to self that it is OK to be imperfect. That I don’t need to make everyone happy. I just have to try and not make anyone unhappy deliberately. I have to strive to not hurt people. Disappointment is okay because ‘my own’ will always be different than ‘mine’ and I WILL land up intentionally disappointing people everyday. If not my family, then my friends. If not my friends, then someone who is ‘my own’. And it will be fine because ‘my own’ will understand. I just have to not judge myself harshly on spoiling myself once in a while. Choosing myself sometimes over ‘my own’ sometimes.
PS: I have been going through a block where I am unable to tap into my ‘REAL’. So please bear with me. And till then inspire me to KEEP IT REAL
Model & Photo Credits: This crazy crazy yogini, Natasha Noel, who’s trending through the trendiest magazines and newspaper articles has been a friend and frankly an inspiration. This girl while going places has retained her crazy and makes me want to keep my craziness alive. Woman, thank you for this and much more! Talking to you made me feel like a million dollars, nothing less. I love you loads.
While, in my words, I call it, she being in her element, in her words this is
Sanskrit Name: Supta Kurmasana
English translation: Lying (sleeping) tortoise Pose
Practise daily. Stay safe. Stay humble.🙏❤ Much love
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